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The New Yorker, p. 34, April 17, 2000
MUTUAL FUNDS FOR THE COMING CRASH
The following is a description of certain securities and does not constitute an offer to sell such securities or an offer to accept offers to buy such securities, which means that the following securities (were we to admit that they in fact constituted "securities") are not for sale. No offer to buy the securities (Oops!) can be accepted, nor shall there be any sale of these securities (or whatever they may be) prior to an admission (however embarrassing) by us that they do in fact constitute securities.
The Fund for the Skittish Investor
The fund was created for, and is managed by, investors who were traumatized by recent market events, particularly those of us who invested in FreeMoneyforU.com. Investors' funds are conveyed by armored car to a specially constructed vault deep under the Colorado Rockies. Here, investors' cash is lovingly cared for day and night by an experienced staff. Large bills are regularly rotated and dusted, and temperature conditions are maintained at an ideal 65 degrees Fahrenheit, perfect for insuring currency crispness. No return is earned on cash "invested" in the fund, but investors are entitled to visit their money at any time.
The Evans-Takahashi Tax-Managed Gift Certificate Fund
The fund invests primarily in gift certificates issued by nationally known retail chains. The fund's managers believe that gift certificates offer a reliable hedge against inflation; a hundred-dollar gift certificate is worth a hundred dollars today and will hold its value years from now (unlike certain overvalued Internet stocks such as FreeMoneyforU.com), subject only to the risk that the issuing retail chain will go belly up.
The Atkins-Havermayer Hedge Fund
The fund invests primarily in small hedges and the occasional bush. The fund is currently almost fully invested in yew and scrub-oak hedges, as the fund's investment adviser, Chuck's Garden Center, Inc., of La Jolla, California, believes that yew and scrub oak hold their value during cyclic bear markets better than, say, forsythia, clematis, or such once high-flying Internet stocks as FreeMoneyforU.com.
The Owen-Templemore Coupon Fund
"We're bullish on coupons," say co-managers Lars Owen and Buster (Bud) Templemore. Coupons do not, over time, lose their value, like stocks or bonds or certain Internet stocks, including such highly overvalued stocks as FreeMoneyforU.com. Coupons can be exchanged for "discounts" on useful and potentially valuable merchandise with which you may need to stock your personal fortified shelter during any civil unrest. The fund generally invests only in coupons offered by purveyors of nationally known brands, and does not hold any of the "net-pons" offered by those bastards at FreeMoneyforU.com.
-Jay Itzkowitz
介绍几种风险甚小的共同基金
以下对几种有价证券的介绍，并不表明我们有出卖这些有价证券或者接受购买这些有价证券的订单的意图。换句话说，这些有价证券（假如我们承认它们有任何价值的话）是买不到的。再说一遍，在我们确认它们为“有价证券”（好难为情啊！）之前，不会出卖这些有价证券（对不起！），也不会接受对这些有价证券（管它呢，就这么叫了）的订单。
谨小慎微投资人基金
该基金的管理人和顾客都在最近的股票风浪中遭受过重创，其中有更不幸者还投资了“钞票白送您那”网站（！）。注入的资金将用装甲运钞车送往科罗拉多落矶山脉，存入地下深处的特制保险库中。在这里，一班甚有经验的工作人员日夜悉心照料您的钞票。大面额者被定期翻身和掸灰，环境温度也控制在最理想的华氏六十五度，以确保票子的平整干脆。该基金的款项并无利息回报，但投资人则有权随时探访他们的现金。
埃文斯—高桥益税礼券基金
该基金着重投资全国知名零售连锁店发出的现金礼券。管理人认为购买礼券可减低通货膨胀的不利影响。不像某些诸如“钞票白送您那”网站（！！）之类的价位过高的网络股，一百元的礼券今天是一百元，将来也是一百元，而唯一的风险只是发礼券的零售连锁店倒闭而已。
阿特金斯—哈沃迈耶篱笆避险基金
该基金的投资重点为小篱笆，间或有小树丛。现有资金几乎全部用于购买紫杉和矮橡做的篱笆。基金的投资顾问是在加州勒何拉的贾氏园艺中心有限公司。他们认为，在股票的周期性熊市中，紫杉和矮橡比起连翘或科勒曼木或价位曾经冲上云霄的“钞票白送您那”网站（！！！）之类的网络股，更能保值。
欧文—坦普莫优惠券基金
基金管理人欧文和坦普莫说：“我们就是看好优惠券！”与股票、债券和某些网络股（特别是像“钞票白送您那”网站（！！！！）那样的名不符实的高价股票）不同的是，商店发送的优惠券不会随时间而贬值。优惠券可以用来折价购买实用的没准会很有价值的商品，装备您的单人加强掩体，以备内乱之时。该基金一般只投资全国知名厂商提供的优惠券，而“钞票白送您”网站（！！！！！）那帮混帐家伙的“网惠券”则绝不沾手。