请高手指教

蓦然

汉英

各位高手, 可否就小弟译作给点评语, 指教指教?

The rivalling youngsters strike us as Parisian rather than Spartan. The girls are aggressive and provocative; the boys are seen responding to the challenge. The closed group of girls are dominant; the boys are grouped more loosely, and behave as individuals. Just as the recoil of the boys responds to the forward movement of the girls, the entire choreography of move and counter-move produces a complex interaction of gestural to and fro, polarities and couplings indicative of choice and con-sent. The scene records the moment when a game begins to be meant seriously.

我们觉得这些敌对的青年人像巴黎人，不像斯巴达人。女孩子们咄咄逼人，男孩子们迎接着挑战。紧密聚集的女孩子占了上凤，男孩子组织得比较松散，而且各自为政。男孩子的退缩回应着女孩子的前进动作。这如舞蹈舞一般的主动与被动，形成既往且复、既分且合、欲拒还迎的复杂互动。这景象记载着有人玩得认真起来的时刻。

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试评 - XY 20000615104307
- 回完帖，才注意到是请“高手”指教，不好意思。建议最好用商榷之类的词，不然胆小点的就不敢上了:-) - 自命高手XY 20000615104925
- sis, I've threw out a piece of brick. I'm waiting for enjoying your jade. - Honeyfox 20000615111057
  - sorry, should be "thrown" - Honeyfox 20000615124252
很好奇，他(她)们玩的是什么游戏？男的一拨儿，女的一拨 - Honeyfox 20000615110132
不是高手，但卖油翁的声音是否也可听听？ - Last Hermit 20000615115911
- 您就别惦记着您的副业, 谁见过会填词, 满嘴英格里西的卖油翁!!! - wq 20000615121042
  - 围棋兄，可不能小看卖油翁，就凭他老人家当年字字真言的一句“无他，唯手熟耳。”就足以笑傲江湖！ - Honeyfox 20000615130728
- 隐士君几处改得都很好！特别是 - XY 20000615124832
  - 希望今晚能看到“xy看画”版 - Honeyfox 20000615134459
    - 大半是哑巴看画，张口结舌，您就准备着希望变失望吧:-(( - XY 20000615143803
- “倒”字也用得极妙，简而恰到好处！ - Honeyfox 20000615132045
XY君猜对了 - 蓦然 20000617002330
- comments ABOUT/ON my sentences being too westernized, bluntly to put it! - Last Hermit 20000617021721
  - Sorry. "To bluntly put it"!!! - Last Hermit 20000618113244

Last Hermit

2000/06/15 11:59:11

　　1）“这些敌对的青年人”似乎略嫌西化。这里的“rivalling”是否译成“好胜心强”或“争强好胜”会更贴切些？“strike”一词是“印象深刻”的意思，您的译文中似乎没有表达出来。窃以为加一个“倒”似乎可以做到？“咄咄逼人”似乎不是“aggressive and provocative”所要表达的意思。“好勇斗狠”如何？整句译成“女孩子们一个个好勇斗狠，而男孩子们也不甘示弱”？
　　2）这里，表复数的“们”不可缺。“组织”后面的“得”可以去掉。“closed group of girls”是否表示“女孩子们联手紧密”？
　　3）“男孩子的退缩回应着女孩子的前进动作”流于西化。可否译作“女孩子们步步进逼，而男孩子们则步步后退”。
　　4）“主动”和“被动”均为形容词，作名词用是西化的做法。可否译作“有如舞蹈中一前一退的动作”，下面一句您译得很好，只是“形成”与“互动”之间相距略远。可否译成“一来一去，既分且合，欲拒还迎”？
　　5）此句也较为西化。可否译成“此情此景意味着游戏开始动真格了”？

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Meunique
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您就别惦记着您的副业, 谁见过会填词, 满嘴英格里西的卖油翁!!!

作者：wq - 2000/06/15 12:10:42 ***

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围棋兄，可不能小看卖油翁，就凭他老人家当年字字真言的一句“无他，唯手熟耳。”就足以笑傲江湖！

作者：Honeyfox - 2000/06/15 13:07:28 ***

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隐士君几处改得都很好！特别是

作者：XY - 2000/06/15 12:48:32 ***

“而男孩子们也不甘示弱”，没有直接去译challenge 这个词，但意思却更准确，更符合中文习惯了。

我觉得好象是在描绘一幅画的画面。是不是可以从看一幅画的角度去译？

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希望今晚能看到“xy看画”版

作者：Honeyfox - 2000/06/15 13:44:59 ***

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大半是哑巴看画，张口结舌，您就准备着希望变失望吧:-((

作者：XY - 2000/06/15 14:38:03 ***

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“倒”字也用得极妙，简而恰到好处！

作者：Honeyfox - 2000/06/15 13:20:45 ***

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XY君猜对了

作者：蓦然 - 2000/06/17 00:23:30 ***

First of all, I must thank all of you for your valuable suggestions and comments. XY got it right - it's the description of a painting of a French painter Degas. The text comes with the picture. I think it would be very difficult to understand the text without looking at the picture. The writing style is very artistic.
I particularly appreciate the comments that some of my sentences are too westernized. I didn't notice that before. Maybe I put too much emphasis on accuracy.
What about the game? They are not playing a particular game. In the picture, one of the girls stretches out a hand and the boys are withdrawing. That's it.

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comments ABOUT/ON my sentences being too westernized, bluntly to put it!

作者：Last Hermit - 2000/06/17 02:17:21 ***

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Meunique
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Sorry. "To bluntly put it"!!!

作者：Last Hermit - 2000/06/18 11:32:44 ***

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Meunique
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